Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Sometimes it's so wonderful I can't even speak. But the novelty is starting to wear off, on both sides of the table. The list of things I can't wear is growing by the minute, and the list of clothes I have left is shrinking just as rapidly.

Prohibited items:
My heart shaped sunglasses [the evil eye...or something]
My dread falls [too strange]
No skirts of any kind to school, including dresses
Any of my tights, which rules out any dresses, skirts, shorts, etc [also too strange...and I won't wear anything short without them. Probably most of my dresses and skirts would be too strange as well]
My boots [not sure on this one, but I think so, because they make me too tall]
Flip flops [out of the house]

So that leaves me with...uh...my tshirts, jeans, and 2 other pairs of pants. Tank tops, too, but it is too cold in the mornings to wear them and so I'd have to change at lunch time. That's not enough clothes. Like, literally...I figured I'd supplement my pants with other wear, but apparently that's not an option. I'm trying to face all of it with a smile, but sometimes it's hard. I keep telling myself "Three months..." but I hate that I'm already saying that and it's only been two weeks. To tell the truth I felt kind of awkward and out of place wearing my gear [you know...more out of place than usual], especially because it seems like every time that I go out I have to explain why I'm wearing a certain thing, and "um...because I like it" is starting to wear thin.

I almost feel more sorry for my family than for myself...everyone else got someone pretty normal, and they got, well, me. You'd think that when they got the pictures of my blue hair they'd have figured out that I wasn't the usual. But I guess not....I don't know, maybe that's when they decided that they only wanted me around for just the three months.

This evening [stasera in italian] was a little frustrating, because we went to this "Festa de l'Unita" [Unity Fest], and I was sitting there with my mom, sister, and my brothers' girlfriends [that's one per brother, not multiple for one], and they started talking about me, right in front of my face. Maybe I just understand more than they think I do, but when they start saying my name and "California" and pointing at me it is kind of a little not subtle. Of course, my Italian is not perfect, and they were talking fast [partly because that is just the Italian way, but partly, I think, to inhibit my comprehension], but [I think] I got the basic main ideas. They don't like the way I dress, that it is embarrassing. [Then on the way home my mom specifically told me not to wear the tights/possibly the boots.] They don't like that I don't talk very much. I'm sorry, but I'm not used to talking much, unless I'm really hyper, nervous, sometimes tired, or excited about something. As I have explained numerous times, I spend most of my time alone, and/or just listening. I'm trying to talk more, but since it's not a habit of mine, it doesn't occur to me to speak when others are having a conversation. I don't usually have anything to add, anyways.

Before they didn't like/were worried that I didn't eat much, but now I guess I eat too much. I adjusted to the whole big meals thing, and now I get hungry in between. Is that my fault? Apparently so. But I'll cut down on the snacking at home/eat less at meals, even though it'll be hard. I'll adjust again.

I can understand why they're frustrated, but can't they see that I'm trying? Here it is totally different from before, and I'm sorry if I can't change my style, eating habits, and personality and under two weeks [today was my 15th day in Italy]. I don't know...maybe it's partly my paranoia...but I have been working so hard to make this work, and have a good time besides. I get up on time, make my bed, keep my room clean, help set and clear the table, pretty much do everything I can to be a good kid. But it still isn't enough.

I don't know. This is a whiney-ass entry, but I'm tired and frustrated and my head hurts. So I'm going to bed without brushing my teeth because...I don't want to go to all that work. Fuck it. Tomorrow I'm going to get up at some time [I'm not sure when I need to be up...I think I'm going to set my alarm to 6 just to be sure. though right now it is 2:24 so that doesn't leave me much time for shut eye.

Trying not to burn out,
Bee Electric