Suffocation

I am tired and worn out even though I slept for 8 1/2 hours last night. My eyes hurt from crying. Today after lunch I have to pack because in 4 and one half hours I am going to Giuseppina's house to live for I don't know how long. I don't really know what is going on more than ever and I hate this.

Everyone is still all pushing the blame around and I don't know who to believe anymore. I think that is is my fault for being messed up but also kind of my host family's fault for not telling me there were problems until yesterday, and also partly the organization's fault because they handled this so poorly. As my host family has said, they were just interested in making themselves not look bad. All they cared about was me telling my mom that all this crap that was not even that big of a deal was this huge thing and was all my fault and my host family's fault. They don't care that it was them that did not tell me or my parents in California that this family only signed up for 3 months. They don't care about anything besides having people think that they are doing an OK job.

I am just so frucking frustrated right now...I did not come to Italy to have to deal with this crap. If I wanted to feel this upset and whatnot, I could have just stayed home. I almost want to go home because 3 months+ is starting to look like a hell of a long time. But then I don't think that my [real] parents really want to have anything to do with me anymore.

I can't believe that I am having so many problems and that I have been kicked out by TWO host families. I mean, I didn't think that I was that messed up. Jesus...It's not like I haven't been trying. Maybe I'm just incapable of living in any sort of familial situation........................

I was not expecting that letter to cause this many problems. No, not all of these are because of it but seriously. This backlash is kind of why I was scared to say anything myself. Maybe if she hadn't sent it to Patrizia it wouldn't have been as bad. Or if I just stuck it through and didn't say anything until I was back in the States and these people did not have control of my life anymore.

Dear god, yesterday was awful. I was sitting there, studying for history, and then Miano and Giuseppina came and then there were Imma and my host mom and Valeria all there and everything was being thrown in my face and I was crying and didn't know what to do and felt very very alone especially because these were people who I had thought were OK with me and it's hard when they are suddenly yelling all the things that you had [unknowingly] messed up on. And then I had to write this stupid letter filled with lies to my mother and of course all the B3C people so that they could feel better about themselves and it wasn't even like it was my views or from my point of view because Giuseppina and Miano and everyone were there staring over my shoulder pretty much telling me what to write. When I had finally finished, I thought, Giuseppina made me add more specifically saying that it wasn't her fault.

I tried to avoid blaming the family specifically in the letter because I don't think that it is entirely their fault but the B3C people were pushing me in that direction. And then afterword Vale read the letter [I said she could] and she read it to her mother and now I don't know what they think of me.

It seems like everyone is alternating between blaming and telling me what I've done wrong to telling me to not be sad and that everything's OK and that they're sorry and it's not against me personally.

I. Don't. Know. anymore. I wish that Franco was back from London so I'd have someone to talk to at Giuseppina's. Tonight is Pascale's [E|Xer from Canada] birthday, plus the six month anniversary. I hope that I can go, after I go to Giuseppina's. I need something to cheer me up, plus I've missed the last 2 or three anniversaries.

I seriously do want to go home now. I don't care if it means that I've failed at this, it looks pretty much like I have done that anyways. I just don't even know if my [real] parents will even speak to me again. Not having a family anywhere sucks because there's no one to make you feel better when you're crying. Maybe tonight I'll call my brother. Or Hanna. I hate feeling so alone.

Speaking of crying I'm going to go to the bathroom now because I don't want to cry in the computer lab. I also kind of have to pee.

Looking for escape,
Bee Electric